Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

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It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

I was tired of trying and failing.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

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It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

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This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

It’s here now, writing to you.

Hello, I have a question about astral projection. I started to get interested in this a little while after my mum passed in april. I thought I may be able to see her and speak with her if I managed to achieve astral projection. Since this interest, every time i sleep on my back I go into sleep paralysis. However, I cant progress into astral projection because it is very scary for me as I feel like I'm suffocating when this happens. I panic and force myself to wake up. This only ever happened about once a year before this. It sometimes lasts a long time. This has happened about 3 times per week since my mum died, as mentioned on a previous post. I no longer try to go into it anymore(due to the suffocating feeling), but it still happens. I read that sleep paralysis is the pathway to astral projection. Why has this started to happen so frequently since simply taking an interest in it? Is this connected to the afterlife? I am concerned about it as I now cannot seem to stop this happening. Could it be my mum trying to communicate? Im asking due to more knowledge around this in this group.

It’s still here.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

You are like me, then.

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I was tired of fighting.

Be who you already are.

The sadness was still there.

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I had run out of hope.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

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In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

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Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

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So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

And the sadness?